Jacksonville

Really sick today, with joint pain and low blood pressure. We've been sitting around all day. Some days it feels like this apartment is getting smaller and smaller. I tried to stand outside on the patio, but the heat quickly made me sicker. 


And that got me thinking about all of the things I hate about Jacksonville.


Here's the official list:

• The traffic : As if being chronically ill doesn't give you enough limitations and restrictions, the traffic here severely limits us from going out when we want to. For example, if we, God forbid, wake up past 11 o'clock on a Saturday, then we have to come to terms with the fact that the traffic will now be miserable for the rest of the day and night and then judge whether or not we're up to driving in it. (And I'm usually not, as of lately.)  Driving is difficult when you're dizzy as it is. Add a hundred cars whizzing past you and people cutting you off or not letting you get into the next lane, and the dizziness turns into wooziness which turns into a feeling of "Why the hell am I even allowed on the road?" and pulling over wondering how I'll make it back.
• The lack of trees: When I first moved here, I knew I would miss the trees in my yard at home in Jersey, but never could I have fully comprehended how much I'd miss them. I miss them in a soul-saddening way, as though I've lost something dear to me. These palm trees, as tropical-vacation as they are, do not qualify as trees. Not to me at least. There is something too perfect, too man-made about them, especially when they are sporadically planted in an apartment complex that is reminding me more and more of a department store each day... which brings me to my next complaint:
• This apartment complex reminds me of a department store: Each building is the same. I dare you to find any differences among them. I think one day I'll secretly go out and buy little lawn gnomes or an ugly plant and place them in random places around this complex, if not just for my own entertainment, but also because I seriously have trouble differentiating where I am when I take walks. I have gotten turned around, lost, not knowing which building is mine. The only other place that has happened to me? The mall. But that is, by far, not the most commercial thing about this complex. We have a "leasing office", situated next to an internet cafe and a gym (which is nice), but there are realtors there working every single day. These are the same people we pay our rent to. They wear high heels and business dresses (in Florida's heat!) and they drive around on golf carts showing potential customers the model apartments. So if I'm on my patio painting my nails, wearing pajama shorts and a tank-top, I get a dirty look from the realtor like "Girl, you are destroying my business." Home. Sweet. Home.
• The heat: I know, I know. Why did I move to Florida if I don't like the heat? The simple answer is I sometimes make decisions with my heart instead of my head. I would never change that though. Life would be so dull! But still - I'm going to complain anyway. The humidity feels like a plastic bag suffocating you. You step out into it and the first thing you think is "I'm going to die" as your heart rate climbs ever so quickly and your knees get that wobbly, jello, "we're going to let you down" feeling. Someone walks by "Hello!" and starts a conversation with you, and you're like "Oh dear God. Please shut up. I barely hear you. My ears are ringing, my heart rate is about 200, and I'm going to pass out if I don't find cold air." Seriously-  once I resorted to piling ice packs on myself during a car ride. We can't take walks during the day, only in the evenings. We watch people walk by wearing jeans, listening to their ipods, walking along with no care in the world. We stare out the window like, "How the hell are they doing that?" as we turn the a/c on cooler and bitch about Jacksonville to each other. For the record, humidity+heat+any health condition that involves low blood pressure, tachycardia, or fainting=awful, awful idea.
• Attitudes: I just asked my honey, "What are some other things we hate about Jacksonville?" First thing he said, "The attitudes." and I knew exactly what he meant. Don't waste your time smiling at someone here in Jacksonville, you will not receive a smile back. People give me dirty looks all the time here. I don't know what it is I'm doing. I've come to the conclusion that there are just a lot of miserable people here. Poor Dustin - he went grocery shopping once, had a cart filled with fruit, and some guy walked by with his girlfriend and made a comment about him "being a fruit". He looked right at him when he said it too. That offended me for 3 reasons... one, I love gay people. Two, I love fruit. And three, my honey is clearly not gay. 
• The healthcare here (or lack thereof): I thought New Jersey's healthcare was bad, and then I moved to Jacksonville. I was under this impression that Mayo Clinic could at least provide me with decent healthcare. Boy, was I ever wrong. My apologies to anyone who's a Mayo Clinic patient and has had a good experience, but my current opinion of them could not be worse. They treat healthcare like a business, much like the majority of doctors in this country. They accused me of giving myself adrenal insufficiency, suggested I stop my medications (which would KILL me) and sent in a psychiatrist to speak with me, as I laid there with a bruised swollen foot. Yes, I was there with a visible foot injury that required an x-ray and that was the "care" I received. That's nothing compared to the way Dustin was treated during his last visit. He was made to urinate in front of the doctor for drug testing. If that's not bad enough, he was billed for it. Mayo Clinic is only the beginning though. Out of all the doctors we've seen here, we've only been happy with one. We were unable to find a general practitioner who had an ounce of compassion or knowledge about our conditions. One was so hostile, treating us like we were criminals on trial and continuously repeating that we need specialists (like we didn't know that? Like we'd ever trust her treating his epilepsy or my adrenal problems? Ha. Think again.) - that she'd only treat us for colds and flus. She must've said that twenty times with a scowl on her face. She made us both so uncomfortable and stressed out that we physically got sick.

There are some very important things that I miss about New Jersey; the first being my family and friends, obviously. Seriously though - I think one of the things I miss most was being able to wake up in the morning, go outside half-dressed, knowing I had the whole yard to myself. Here, we don't have a yard. We have a blah thing called a patio - we threw pillows on the ground because we never did buy chairs. Sometimes I sit there and pretend I'm in my yard in Jersey. I lay there, trying to stare between the section of the rooftop and the palm tree, to get a tiny glimpse of the sky. Ginley (my dog) comes out and lays next to me and screams whenever someone walks by. The realtor woman loves that... 


You know a city is bad when it makes you miss New Jersey....